A Series Of Random and Ridiculous Occurrences
by Velvet Liquor
Summary: Eyebrow wigglin', Austin Powers announces that certain characters have the mojo, and drunk people understand Sunny's baby language.
1. The Bad Beginning

**_DISCLAIMER:_**

**I do not own A Series of Unfortunate Events. If I did the thirteenth book would have actually answered your questions.**

* * *

Lemony Snicket: Hello, my name is Lemony Snicket. If you are reading this, stop! It is a very unfortunate tale about three unfortunate children and their perverted guardian. Seriously, if you read this, you might as well just gouge your own eyes with a spork. Also, if you're buying this book just because I'm telling you that you shouldn't, then you, my friend, have fallen for my devious advertising gimmick. Yes, you _should _feel like an idiot.

Ahem…

Baudelaires: We're so happy and rich! Our lives are seemingly perfect. Nothing could ruin our day at all. Aside from our house burning down and killing our parents, but that hardly ever happens.

Mr. Poe: (Cough)

Violet: Isn't this a lovely day, Mr. Poe?

Mr. Poe: Sure, if you think your parents getting offed in a mysterious fire is lovely, then I guess today is fucking awesome.

Baudelaires: ...D:

Klaus: (Angrily throws a rock at Mr. Poe) No! This can't be happening to me! I'm too rich and pretty! (Gaps) All my clothes were at the mansion! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mr. Poe: Well, it's obviously that time of the month for you, Klaus…

Klaus: But I'm a boy…

Mr. Poe: Really? Oh, dear…. I rather thought these glasses were a bit fuzzy…

Violet: What do you mean our parents died? What will happen to us?

Sunny: Chunkahoogie? (Who will take care of us?)

Mr. Poe: Well, luckily we've located your dear Count Olaf, the famous actor. He's happily agreed to take you three into his home.

Klaus: How can Count Olaf be out relative? We've never even met him before.

Mr. Poe: Well, I believe he's your mother's sister's cousin's brother's father's (Two ½ hours later…) uncle, one hundred sixty-seven times removed.

Sunny: (Snoring)

Violet: And how is Count Olaf famous? I've never even heard of him before.

Mr. Poe: Sure you have! He played that devilishly handsome count in that one Blockbuster hit with the three unlucky orphans.

Violet: I thought that was Jim Carrey…

Mr. Poe: Anyway…you're going to be living with him for the rest of your pathetic lives, so you'd best hope that it doesn't totally suck, or else you guys are totally screwed.

Sunny: Fugarshingging? (Wouldn't it just be more convenient to just live with you? He could be a pedophile or something.)

Violet: Yeah, why can't we just live with you? I mean, we practically see you more than anyone else in this series.

Mr. Poe: Because I don't want a bunch of unlucky orphans moping around my house. Besides, it was my idea to throw you three in the local orphanage in the first place, but Count Olaf insisted that I let him adopt you children as soon as possible. But if it makes you feel better, you're more than welcome to stay at my house for the night.

Klaus: Is your wife as fat as you?

Mr. Poe: Of course not! (Pauses.) Yes…

(At Mr. Poe's house.)

Poe Kid #1: I don't like the Baudelaires.

Baudelaires: ?

Mr. Poe: What? Why not?

Poe kid #2: All they do is mope around about how terrible their lives are, how great their losses are, blah blah blahbitty blah….

Poe Kid #1: Yeah, and the midget-looking one's a vampire.

Sunny: Oughk! (Yeah, well, at least I'm not _adopted_! Oh...wait…)

Violet: Well, I'm sure _you'd _be upset if _your _parents had just died…

Poe Kid #2: Nope.

Violet: Not even a little bit?

Poe Kid #1: Well, my dad's probably going to die of a vain popping after one of his random coughing fits, and my mum can't cook worth crap. Plus, they're loaded, so I'd get all the money. Yup, I'm sure gonna miss 'em…

Klaus: And Sunny isn't a vampire.

Poe Kid #2: But she bites things!

Klaus: You bite food, but does that make _you_ a vampire?

Poe Kid #2: I'm a vampire? (Grabs a nearby cross and starts to beat the crap out of himself with it.)

Mr. Poe: (Stands up.) Well, it's time to go!

Violet: What? Can't we at least have something to eat first?

Mr. Poe: Oh, right! I almost forgot! (Pulls out a box of cereal and gives one tiny piece to each orphan.)

Klaus: I guess we'll just go hungry…

Mr. Poe: Hey, it's not called "A Series of Stories About Three Happy Children Who Get to Eat Whenever They Feel Like it" for a reason.

(In Mr. Poe's car.)

Violet: Mr. Poe, just how exactly _did _our house burn down?

Mr. Poe: Well…

(Cut to Count Olaf throwing a match on the Baudelaire mansion and dancing to "Burn, Baby Burn.")

Klaus: Wait. This guy just burnt down our house, and you're just going to let us live with him?

Mr. Poe: Well, I must admit, it _does _seem a bit far-fetched, but we had to throw a plot hole in somewhere!

(They get out of the car.)

Mr. Poe: Here we are, orphans! Welcome to your new home!

Violet: Hey, maybe living here won't be half bad after all.

Klaus: (Sees a woman tending to a garden.) Excuse me; are you Count Olaf's wife?

Justice Strauss: No, he's just my fuck buddy. (Walks off)

Sunny: O_o

Mr. Poe: (Smiles) What a lovely neighborhood, don't you agree, children?

Violet: (Turns to the enormous ugly house in the background that they just all happened to not notice.) Then it must be that house over there…

(Random Twilight Zone music starts playing from out of nowhere.)

Klaus: This does not bode well, guys...

Mr. Poe: Your face doesn't bode well.

Klaus: Hey, Poe, I'm the pretty one, remember?

Mr. Poe: Oh, right. (Turns to Violet) Your face doesn't bode well.

Violet: -_-

Klaus: Ew. His house just screams 'middle class'.

Mr. Poe: Don't be vain, Klaus. At least wait to cast judgment until you see if he has a mini fridge.

Violet: Mr. Poe, are you sure that this house even has up-to-date living conditions?

Mr. Poe: (Rolls eyes.) Honestly, Violet, you'll never be harmed so long as I'm here.

(Sunny falls into a random hole)

Klaus: You gonna do something about that, tubby?

Mr. Poe: Don't look at me. She's not my demon sister.

Violet: (Helps Sunny out of the hole.) Mr. Poe, are you coming in with us?

Mr. Poe: Yes, now gather your extremely heavy luggage while I just stand here like and idiot and do absolutely nothing to help you while you three struggle.

Violet: -_-

(They knock on the door and it slowly creaks open. All four walk in.)

Olaf: Hello, hello, hello…

Mr. Poe: Count Olaf, I've brought your new children to you!

Olaf: Hop to it, fatty, you're making me miss Desperate Housewives.

Klaus: OMG! You watch that show too?

Olaf: Yeah. I like to see how desperate a woman has to be before she resorts to me. So anyways...give me my money and GTFO, bitches.

Mr. Poe: Uh...you actually have to raise them, you know.

Olaf: What? I thought they were just like sea monkies. You know, you feed them once and then sit around and watch them die before you get bored and go to Denny's.

Mr. Poe: Well...no. You are very mistaken.

Olaf: Huh. Guess I'd better meet the brats, then, eh? Eh?

Mr. Poe: ...

Olaf: Wow. This isn't awkward or anything...anyways...(Walks over to the Baudelaires) Hey...new...people, or whatever you're supposed to be?

Violet: ...Children?

Olaf: Yeah, that. (Spins Violet around) So you must be Klaus...nice manly jaw you got there. Flat chest, all the works.

Violet: D:

Klaus: Actually, I'm Klaus.

Olaf: ...For real? I thought you were a chick.

Klaus: Anyway, I expect three square meals a day, the master bedroom with the adjoining closet and bathroom, shopping money, and...yeah, those curtains...gotta go.

Olaf: Tell you what, kid. You can have the extra fish food that my goldfish doesn't eat, you can sleep in the attic, and piss outside. The plumbing hasn't worked here since 1907. And I'll give you a nice shiny penny if you don't piss me off...which given my love affair with alcohol and heroin, is impossible. And the curtains are going...in your room.

Klaus: D:

Olaf: Honestly, you guys, I'm gonna be the coolest fucking dad ever-OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT? (Leaps onto a chair)

Sunny: (Bares fangs)

Olaf: Oh my God, you guys! You got me a monkey as a father's day present! You shouldn't have! :D

Violet: Uh...we didn't.

Olaf: (Throwing various plates and silverware at Sunny) Dance monkey dance!

Sunny: D:

Mr. Poe: Well, if you can't tell a baby from a monkey, perhaps they shouldn't live with you…

Olaf: How dare you insult my intelligence? I know a baby from a monkey, sir, and that right there is a shipshape orangutan!

Mr. Poe: But it's a baby-

Olaf: Good day to you, sir! (Pushes Mr. Poe out the window)

Violet: (Looks out the window) Uh, guys...he's not moving.

Olaf: Nonsense, Orphan #1, he's just taking a nap. Anyways, I got a list of rules for you and your pet monkey to follow. (Takes out a long list from his sleeve, that rolls all the way to the neighbor's house.) Rule #1: Violet-(Looks down at Violet's chest.) Violet, you're not allowed to wear a bra anymore.

Violet: What? Why should I have to follow that stupid rule?

Olaf: I HAVE NEEDS!

Violet: (Rolls eyes.) Fine. (Mutters under breathe.) Pervert…

Olaf: Rule #2: Klaus, stop being such a nerd and give me that book!

(Klaus hands the book to Olaf, and he notices that it's titled "The Guide to Male Sexuality.")

Olaf: ...Do we need to have a talk, Klaus? About the birds and the bees?

Klaus: I already know lots about pollen and honey, thank you very much.

Sunny: Honador get desi do? (Um...did you not factor me into your rules?)

Olaf: Oh I forgot. Monkey-you fling your shit inside the house, you're GROUNDED.

Sunny: -_-

Olaf: And now, I'll show you to your room.

Klaus: Room? You mean, as in plural, right?

Olaf: Did I fucking stutter, kid?

Klaus: Come on! Your house has more than enough rooms!

Olaf: I know, but those rooms are for my many lovers…(Wiggles eyebrow at nearby fan girls.)

Fan Girls: Oh, he's _soo_ ugly…but we can't help falling in love with that….

_Big_….

_Long_…..

EYEBROW!

Olaf: Ha. I know what you were thinking. (Glares at the audience members) Perverts.

Klaus: :/

Violet: Are…are you talking to the wall?

Olaf: That's beside the point.

(The orphans follow Olaf to their bedroom.)

Olaf: I've recently been delving through parenthood magazines, and for your enjoyment I have placed various toys around the room. (Leaves)

Violet: There's just a rock and a snow shoe.

Klaus: You know, I was hoping that our adoption story would be a lot more like Annie, you guys.

Violet: Yeah, Olaf is even almost bald enough too.

Sunny: Grandld pogohno... (And tomorrow he's going to torture us even more...)

Olaf: (Singing from right outside the door)

_It's only a day away..._

Baudelaires: :/

Lemony Snicket: We sometimes give off bad first impressions. Count Olaf gave off a pretty shitty one. Sometimes people can fix bad first impressions and show everyone what lovely, tolerant people they really are.

Olaf: (Scratches crotch) Orphan #1. Get me a beer. Orphan #2, sing a Madonna song. (Looks Klaus up and down) I mean, unless you have something more gay you wanna sing for me.

Klaus: I was thinking maybe some Aqua-

Olaf: Whatever. And Monkey...DANCE, BITCH, DANCE! (Pulls out a machine gun from out of nowhere and starts shooting at Sunny)

Sunny: AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhh! (Hops around the living room, Olaf cackling on the couch)

Lemony Snicket: And sometimes they just stay douche-bags.

Violet: Well, I scrubbed Olaf's toilet, placed all of his Playboy issues in alphabetical order, and hand washed his lucky boxers. (Shudders.)

Sunny: Fobonotehga! (That's all? I had to clean his shower drain! Violet, I now have enough hair to give myself a longer beard than Dumbledore!)

(Suddenly, Klaus runs down the hallway, screaming in bloody terror)

Violet: What is it, Klaus?

Klaus: HE MADE ME GIVE HIM A SPONGE BATH!

Violet/Sunny: D:

(Klaus runs into the kitchen, grabs the lemon pledge, and squirts it into his eyes, until there's none left)

Klaus: WE NEED MORE LEMON PLEDGE, VIOLET! MORE LEMON PLEDGE!

Violet: (Slaps Klaus)

Klaus: The mental pictures...D:

Violet: Great. Now we need more lemon pledge. That stuff was the only thing that made the bats vacate the cupboards.

Sunny: Strauss? (Maybe his fuck buddy has some we can steal.)

Violet: Good thinking, Sunny. That kind of criminal behavior is exactly what we need to prepare us for when we become wanted fugitives later on in the series.

Klaus: Yay for teenage rebellion!

(The Baudelaires knock on Justice Strauss' house)

Justice Strauss: Oh. It's you three. You can tell that good for nothing guardian of yours that the next time he wants to chew up my rug, he'd better-

Baudelaires: O_o

Justice Strauss: Too much information?

Violet: You think?

Justice Strauss: Anyways, what the hell do you little bitches want?

Klaus: (Sniffling, his eyes red and burning) We need more lemon pledge.

Justice Strauss: I can sympathize, Klaus. The first time we got together, I poured all the bleach in my house down my throat to get the taste out.

Baudelaires: O_o

Justice Strauss: Damn, you kids have weak stomachs. Come on in, I'll get you some lemon pledge.

Violet: Quick Sunny, go steal all her food.

Sunny: Borgrove domi! (We're having a feast tonight! :D)

(Olaf's kitchen)

Sunny: Pokidonopld... (...Or not.)

Violet: Seriously, Sunny? All you could find was a used can of olives and molded spaghetti?

Sunny: Krab dooo. (Beggars can't be choosers, Violet.)

Klaus: Yeah, that's why Olaf has to settle for _you_.

Violet: -_-

Klaus: Ok, so I mixed the olives in with the spaghetti, but...it still tastes like shit, guys.

Violet: It needs more spices, but Olaf doesn't even have fucking salt.

Lemony Snicket: Now, there are times in one's life when a certain choice must be made for the good of humanity, a noble choice, one of valor, if you will.

(Baudelaires all glance at the lemon pledge sitting on the counter)

Violet: Put it in.

Lemony Snicket: This was not one of those times.

Klaus: Now it just tastes like _sour_ shit, guys.

Violet: Hopefully they'll just be too drunk to notice now.

Sunny: Doingle! (Dinner is served!)

(Everyone sits down at the dinner table.)

Violet: Um, Count Olaf, how did you know what Sunny was saying?

Olaf: Apparently when you're really drunk you can understand baby language.

Violet: Huh.

Klaus: Ok, eat up.

Fat Man/Woman/Thing: It tastes sour. What do you call this stuff?

Klaus: Pasta Frutti Tossici.

Hook-Handed Man: Sounds exotic.

Klaus: Actually, the ingredients can be found in any kitchen, really-

Violet: (Nudges Klaus in the ribs)

Klaus: :(

Olaf: Is that Spanish for 'Will you rape my girlish body?' (Disgustingly suggestive eyebrow wiggle)

Violet: No...

Olaf: :(

Violet: Doesn't it taste so good? We slaved all day over the stove for you.

Olaf: (Takes bite) GASP.

White-Faced Woman #1: Oh my God.

White-Faced Woman #2: He totally GASPED.

Klaus: Is that a bad thing?

(Suddenly, the Geico guy shows up out of nowhere)

Geico Guy: Is Austin Powers the International Man of Mystery?

Austin Powers: (Pops out of nowhere) Yeah, baby!

Olaf: Don't you have someone to go and shag?

Austin Powers: I am a sexy beast!

Violet: I don't get it. What's so bad about our pasta?

Olaf: (Flies into rage, and starts flailing about, rolling around on the ground) THEY USED LEMON PLEDGE, YOU GUYS!

Theatre Troupe: (Collective GASP)

Scary Bald Man: EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE PASTA WITH _WINDEX_!

Olaf: (Sobbing) They're trying to poison me with their citrus filth...

White-Faced Woman #1: There, there, Olaf...

White-Faced Woman #2: (Growls at Klaus)

Klaus: :/

Olaf: I am so disappointed in you three. Go to your room.

Violet: But we didn't know you wanted Windex-

Olaf: (Melodramatic arm flourish) I said go!

Klaus: You never told us not to use lemon pledge in our cooking, you asshole!

Hook-Handed Man: Um...because it's kinda fucking obvious you're not supposed to, dipshit.

Olaf: Oh, yes I did! It's in the fine print on the seventy-second page of the chore list, right after the one about feeding my canary, Tina Turner.

Violet: You have a canary?

Olaf: Ha! I lied! That just proves that you didn't do all your chores!

Klaus: No crap. There are 47.9 chores. We have to take bathroom breaks, you know. Besides, what's so bad about lemon pledge?

Lemony Snicket: Of course, little did the Baudelaire children know that the reason Olaf despised lemon pledge so was because of yours truly. You see, dear readers, back in our youth, I accidentally-

Olaf: Some gay fruit spilled some of it on my nice silk chiffon shirt back when we were roomies at college.

Lemony Snicket: ...Douche-bag.

Olaf: Orphans, I am very displeased. Only sexual favors will put you back in my good grace. Is that something you can deal with?

Violet: Hell no.

Olaf: Then fuck off, you little bitches. I got people to shank and dreams to catch! (Leaps off the table, and lands face-first on the floor)

Baudelaires: ...

Fat Man/Woman/Thing: Don't worry. This happens every Tuesday.

Olaf: (Gets up, flapping his wrists drunkenly at the Baudelaires) I hate you guys! You won't gimme any o' yer monies and yer monkey is mean to me!

Sunny: Fwalid. (Damn right I am.)

Olaf: (Starts sobbing) I HATE YOU ORPHANS!

Violet: Dude, you are way too drunk.

Olaf: I'm not drunk...I'm just intoximated. (Hiccup) Now go to yer beds, you two midgets. And take Curious George with you.

Klaus: Beds? What's with the use of the plural and the underline mark? We only have _one _bed! One of us has to sleep on the floor every night! Sunny's just a baby, and Violet _needs _her beauty sleep, so the one sleeping on the floor every night is _me_! (Pouty flail)

Olaf: (Drunken sway) Dude, I got six words for you: Go. Buy. Another. Bed.

Klaus: That was only four words.

Olaf: Don't you backsass my counting skillage, boy! (Roundhouse kicks Klaus across the room)

Klaus: Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Violet: (Pushes Olaf.) You monster! (Runs to Klaus.)

Hook-Handed Man: Hey, Olaf, why don't you just wreck that pretty little face of hers to teach her a lesson?

Olaf: (Strokes Violet's chin) Hehe...fuzzy. (Passes out)

Violet: I feel violated.

Violet's Chin: You're telling me?

Olaf: (Muffled voice as he continues to sprawl against the floor) Now, orphans, pick us this mess and go straight to your beds!

Lemony Snicket: (Eye roll) Obviously _someone_ didn't learn anything.

Olaf: You know what, Lemony Snicket, you're just bitching because I totally felt up Beatrice, and you know it.

Lemony Snicket: SHE DIDN'T ENJOY ONE SECOND OF IT! (Sob, prances off)

Violet: Wait. You did…_things_ to our mother?

Klaus: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! (Arms flailing)

Olaf: You know, Violet, you look a little bit like her… (Insert eyebrow wiggle here)

Violet: Ehhhhhh...

(On their way upstairs, Sunny flips off Olaf.)

Olaf: Too late, monkey. Yo momma beat you to it.

Baudelaires: D:

(The next morning)

Olaf: Good morning, orphans! Have some oatmeal!

Klaus: Well, I see a box of rat poisoning on the counter, so I'm going to have to pass.

Olaf: Can you blame a guy for trying? Well, anyway, I want you three to be in my next play.

Klaus: As what?

Olaf: Klaus, you will be playing a midget who attends a wedding with his pet monkey, Coco.

Sunny: Coco. (Haha, Violet has to play a monkey, Klaus!)

Klaus: (Facepalm)

Violet: And what will I do? I'd be good at helping with the set.

Olaf: What? A pretty girl like you? Heavens, no! Violet, you will be playing the young girl whom I marry.

(Crickets chirping.)

Olaf: Also, I want you three to call me "father."

(Crickets chirping yet again)

Olaf: (Looks around in confusion) Dude, we're not even outside.

Violet: Wait. You want me to marry you _and _call you "father?" This is just getting _way _too creepy…

Olaf: That way if you're naughty, I can spank you…(Wiggles eyebrow.)

Violet: I think it's time for our telepathic orphan mind link, guys.

Klaus: He's totally up to something, I just know it. I mean, it's obvious, isn't it? Who would choose to marry you over me?

Violet: Klaus, STFU.

Sunny: Poshudhndd. (Ha! Look at how confused he looks! He doesn't even know we're communicating through our minds!)

Olaf: ...That's because you're not. You've talking out loud for the past five minutes.

Klaus: Uh...no we haven't.

Olaf: Yes, you have. And Violet, you can stop concentrating so hard now. You look constipated.

Violet: -_-

(Later that afternoon)

Violet: Hey, Sunny, can you go and filch a law book from Justice Strauss? That way we can find out what Olaf is up to.

Sunny: Abodurnagoo. (Say no more, Violet! I'ma go steal us some shit!)

(Sunny wanders over to Justice Strauss' house)

Sunny: (Rings the doorbell)

Justice Strauss: Hello?

Sunny: (Whips out a gun from out of nowhere) GIVE ME ALL YOUR LAW BOOKS, BITCH.

Justice Strauss: Aaaaaaahhhh! WHAT ARE YOU?

Sunny: (Creepy, demonic laughter) I'M JUST A CUTE WITTLE BABY! (Eats Justice Strauss, and enters her house, campy horror music playing in the background)

(Sunny waddles back into the Baudelaires' bedroom at Olaf's house, the shape of Justice Strauss' body enlarging her belly)

Violet: Don't tell me you ate her, Sunny.

Klaus: You know Mom told you not to after you devoured the milk man's leg.

Sunny: Goo-goo ga-ga... (Who cares about Justice Strauss anyway? I got your law book.)

Violet: Oh, that's ok, Sunny. We don't need it anymore.

Sunny: Hopofph? (Say what?)

Klaus: Yeah, turns out Olaf's place has free wifi of all things. We downloaded the book for free.

Sunny: (Demonic once again) FUCK YOU! (Jumps at Violet, Klaus having to pull her off)

Lemony Snicket: As Klaus Baudelaire's only useful skill was the fact that he could read words larger than five syllables, he-

Klaus: Hey!

Lemony Snicket: Well, what else can you do?

Klaus: ...

Lemony Snicket: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Klaus: :(

Lemony Snicket: So anyways, because Klaus was smarter than the average pencil, he was the one who started to read the book while Violet and Sunny slept. Too bad the book was dreadfully boring, so Klaus decided that he would rather color in it.

Klaus: (Giggles) I bet this is what Olaf would look like if he had a mustache...and were a ballerina...(Suddenly, while turning the page, a schedule falls out of the book) Huh. Justice Strauss' schedule. Fuck Olaf...ew...yoga...pole-dancing lessons...dear God, those were some mental images I did not want...trick Violet into marrying Olaf...

Lemony Snicket: And then it hit Klaus like a ton of bricks to the face.

(Someone from backstage throws a brick at Klaus' face)

Klaus: (Twitches)

Lemony Snicket: I meant figuratively...but yeah, I guess that's cool too.

(Klaus looks around the house until he finds Olaf.)

Olaf: Hey, Klaus. Wanna join me in my early morning beer binge?

Klaus: Actually, I'm more of a Chateau Mouton Rothschild 1982-Wait, what am I saying? No, I don't want to drink with you!

Olaf: Suit yourself. But mark my words, you three bitches would be way more fun to hang out with if I got you smashed.

Klaus: You're after Violet!

Olaf: Yeah, I'd so tap that.

Klaus: Oh God, man, that's sick!

Olaf: Don't be jealous. There's enough Olaf to go around.

Klaus: (Gags)

(Violet runs to Klaus.)

Violet: Klaus, Sunny's missing!

Olaf: Hehe…

Klaus: (Turns to Olaf.) Dude, would you quit laughing mischievously? We're trying to figure out who kidnapped Sunny!

Violet: Um, Klaus, Count Olaf _is _the one who kidnapped Sunny…

Klaus: Really?

Olaf: Yeah. I'm not just laughing mischievously over here for my health, you know.

Violet: What have you done with her?

Olaf: Follow me!

(Violet and Klaus follow Olaf to his tower, from which Sunny is dangling in a bird cage.)

Klaus: Oh no…

Sunny: Lawww oberdoogie! (I'm totally suing your ass for this when I get down from here!)

Violet: Sunny! Please, let her go! She's just an infant!

Klaus: Seriously. The least you could have done is substituted her with a stunt baby, jackass.

Olaf: I will let her go, if you will marry me.

Klaus: Oh, I accept!

Olaf: Not you, idiot! Violet!

Klaus: (Pouts.)

Violet: Well, the tower isn't even that high, so chances are she'd probably survive the fall. There is a slight chance, however, that she could die, but I'm willing to take that risk.

Sunny: Kuti…(Love you too…)

Olaf: Oh, it's not the fall that'll kill her, it's what I'm planning to do to her.

Violet: Oh yeah? Like what?

Olaf: I'm going to make her watch Batman and Robin...from the beginning.

Sunny: AAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! (Someone just shoot me!)

Klaus: (Sobbing) BAT NIPPLES, VIOLET! BAT NIPPLES!

Violet: Oh, God, no! She'll never survive all those awful Schwarzenegger ice puns! Please, I'll marry you, I'll do anything! Just keep her away from the Bat Credit Card!

Olaf: Just think of it this way, Violet. You don't have to sleep with your siblings anymore…(Wiggles eyebrow.)

(Violet is sitting on the roof)

Violet: How are we ever going to get out of this?

(Suddenly, a male soprano starts singing Elvish in the background, and giant eagles litter the sky)

Gwaihir the Giant Fucking Eagle: Hey. Gandalf sent us to help.

Violet: Yay for copyright infringement! :D

(Gwaihir flies Violet up to Olaf's tower)

Violet: Thanks, big giant fucking eagle!

Gwaihir the Giant Fucking Eagle: No problem, kid. (Flies off)

Violet: Phew! I made it all the way to the top!

(The Hook-Handed Man suddenly pops up right in front of Violet's face.)

Violet: Aaaaaauuuuuhhhhhh!

Hook-Handed Man: (Curlers in his hair, cream mask) Jesus Christ, kid! You scared the shit out of me.

Violet: So...um...this is all a dream?

Hook-Handed Man: Yeah. Nice try.

Violet: :/

(Crappy play/highly illegal marriage reception)

Hook-Handed Man: And now, ladies and gentlemen, please put your appendages together for The Marvelous Marriage!

Poe Kid #1: Hey Dad, what's he mean by "appendages?"

Mr. Poe: Hands.

Poe Kid #2: He ain't got no appendages!

Mr. Poe: That isn't polite, Poe Children #1 and #2. You mustn't point, even if he does look like a poorly dressed Captain Hook. (Coughs)

Hook-Handed Man: :(

(Backstage)

Olaf: Ok, Orphans, fuck this us for me, and you're dead, you got that?

Violet: I was dead the day you asked me to marry you.

Olaf: ...I can live with that. I can even use your fortune to buy you a nice casket, if you'd like.

Violet: (Sob)

(Violet sadly walks down the aisle.)

Mr. Poe: She's so beautiful…(Starts coughing.)

Klaus: (Grins stupidly) That's my sister!

Olaf: And now, we shall be married!

Justice Strauss: Count Olaf, do you take Violet Baudelaire to be your wife? Wait a minute...why is her name in the play the same as her real name?

Sunny: (Demonic once again) AND HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET OUT OF MY BELLY, YOU BITCH?

(Audience turns towards the tower, now freaking the fuck out)

Olaf: Ehehehe...pay no attention to the random baby hanging above the ground in a giant birdcage. It's, uh...a stage prop.

Mr. Poe: Well that's believable.

Klaus: You are three kinds of stupid, aren't you?

Mr. Poe: (Cough)

Justice Strauss: Anyways...Count Olaf, do you promise to "do the nasty" and engage in other illegal activities with this underage teenager?

Olaf: Well, I _was _just going to make her clean my house, but your idea is _way _better. I do.

Justice Strauss: Violet Baudelaire, do you take Count Olaf to be your husband? Do you promise to cook, clean, and nibble on his ear?

Violet: Um…

(Olaf whispers into a walkie-talkie, and Violet faintly hears various lines from Batman and Robin, such as 'FREEZE IN HELL BATMAN' and 'Adam and Evil')

Violet: All right, I do! (Starts signing name, but Olaf snatches the certificate.)

Olaf: Ha! Now we are officially married!

Audience: Gasp!

Olaf: Now, if you excuse us, me, myself, and my bride need to go home for our wedding night to "test out the bed springs." (Wiggles eyebrow.)

Violet: Um, no. We're not even married.

Olaf: Dude, were you zoning out for the past two minutes? (Holds up the certificate.)

Violet: Look at my signature. You didn't even let me finish writing my name.

(Olaf looks at Violet's last name, and realizes that the last letter on "Baudelaire" is missing.)

Olaf: Oh, crap. (Shakes fist at the sky.) Damn you, E!

Mr. Poe: You mean this entire time Count Olaf was a pedophile trying to get into Violet's pants? How would have thought?

Klaus: Anyone with a brain. Which automatically cancels you out as a possibility.

Mr. Poe: :(

Olaf: I suppose I need some crafty escape plan now, don't I?

Violet: Looks like it.

Olaf: Hmmm...men, lights!

(The lights turn off)

Violet: Um...we're outside. I mean, it's still dark, but it's not like we're all blinded by darkness, or anything.

Olaf: (Threatening whisper) Listen bitch, just let me have my awesome escape, ok?

Violet: (Sighs) Fine.

Olaf: Lights!

(The lights turn back on, only to show that Olaf is now dressed in a rather crude Batman costume, complete with poorly made, slightly sketchy wings)

Olaf: I am the night...I am darkness...I am...

Violet: Stupid.

Olaf: Whatever. I'ma be back for you and your money, Orphan #1. (Flaps his wings, and leaps off the stage...only to crash into a tree) Unnnnggggg...my bat pride...it stings...

Violet: (Stares at audience in disbelief) Well? Aren't you going to call the police?

Mr. Poe: (Coughs) Well, I'm sure he's sorry, Violet.

Violet: O_o

Olaf: So, uh...I guess I'll be leaving now. I was thinking about moving close to a mansion decorated with large snake hedges, the home of a closet gay herpetologist, hint hint, Poe.

Mr. Poe: Nonsense, Count Olaf, I don't get to choose where the Baudelaires go next.

Baudelaires: :D

Mr. Poe: It just so happens that it's a complete coincidence that their next guardian lives at the very house you just described, that's all.

Baudelaires: ...We hate you.


	2. The Reptile Room:BOOM SHAKA LAKA

_The Reptile Room_

Or also known as

_The BOOM SHAKA LAKA Edition_

Lemony Snicket: We once again join the Baudelaire orphans in yet another of their miserable and unlucky escapades, a word which here means _go look it up in the fucking dictionary, you twit_. If you are looking for light, joyous comedy, then you are looking in the wrong place. In this rather dismal parody, you will come across turtles on parade, a Scottish "herpetologist" who just so happens to be a closet gay, and an unusually friendly serpent with a rather aggressive case of terets. Please, I implore you, nay, I fall upon my knees and beg you with all my tired and weary heart, do NOT leave a review, just to be spiteful because I'm telling you not to, and do NOT scar your eyes with the painful memory of this web page. Well, if you really insist…

(The Baudelaires are currently riding in Mr. Poe's automobile)

Klaus: Are we there yet?

Mr. Poe: No.

Klaus: Now?

Mr. Poe: (Sigh) No, Klaus, we're not there.

Klaus: How about now?

Mr. Poe: Klaus, we're not going to be there for several hours.

Klaus: Are we there yet?

Mr. Poe: No! We are NOT there yet!

Klaus: _Why _aren't we there yet?

Mr. Poe: Klaus Baudelaire, do NOT make me turn this Mercedes around!

Klaus: Ok, but before you turn this highly expensive sports car that you used _our _funding to buy as the result of your midlife crisis around, can you please tell me if we're there yet?

Mr. Poe: Urrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!!! Why can't you just sit there and listen to your iPod, like _normal _children?!

Klaus: Because you spent our iPod money on this car.

Mr. Poe: (Facepalm)

(Everything is unusually quiet. Suddenly, Katy Perry singing _I Kissed a Girl _shakes the entire car, causing Mr. Poe to crap himself and swerve off the road)

Mr. Poe: (Drives back onto the road) What the hell was that?!

Violet: I attached this old wire onto a gum wrapper, and then used a dirty Hello, Kitty band-aid to connect it into Sunny's brain, creating my own version of the iPod.

Sunny: (Claps her hands and giggles) iSunny!

Violet: Unfortunately, all it plays is Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, and Paramore.

Klaus: What's so bad about Paramore?

(Suddenly, Mr. Poe slams his foot down on the brakes, then turns back to glare at Klaus)

Mr. Poe: Please. Tell. Me. You're. Joking.

Violet: Klaus, they wrote a song for _Twilight_.

Klaus: So?

Mr. Poe: (Rolls eyes and continues to drive)

Violet: (Turns Sunny's volume louder, to drown out Klaus' voice)

Klaus: I still don't see what's so bad about Twilight…

Sunny: Ookipopo. (Klaus, you're just saying that because you have erotic fantasies about Edward Cullen.)

(Some time later…)

Mr. Poe: We're here! (Slams on the brakes)

(Giant hedges trimmed to resemble snakes surround the mansion, and the mansion itself is neon green)

Klaus: What exactly is this guy's profession?

Mr. Poe: He's a herpetologist, from what I hear.

Klaus: He studies reptiles, then?

Mr. Poe: No, Klaus. Everyone knows that a herpetologist is someone who studies severe cases of herpes.

Klaus: (Facepalm)

(They reach the door)

Mr. Poe: (Rings the doorbell) Now, Baudelaires, I heard this guy is…well…he's "happy…"

Violet: Happy?

Klaus: Well, I should _hope _he's happy! After that old geezer Olaf, I sure want someone with a brighter outlook on life.

Mr. Poe: No, no! I mean he's…hiding in the closet, if you know what I mean.

Klaus: He's hiding in his closet? Then why are we waiting for him to answer the door? He's obviously not coming.

Mr. Poe: (Rolls eyes) Klaus, he's a sissy!

Klaus: Well that's sure not nice! Just because someone doesn't catch all the football games on television doesn't make him a sissy.

Mr. Poe: (Sighs)

(The door creaks open, and a shadowy man peers out)

Uncle Monty: (Scottish accent) Are-are you the Baudelaires?

Violet: (Nervous) Um…yes?

Uncle Monty: (Throws the door open, snatches the Baudelaires, then slams the door in Mr. Poe's face)

Mr. Poe: :/

Uncle Monty: (Turned away from the Baudelaires) Sorry about that…

Violet: (Afraid Uncle Monty is Count Olaf) C-Count Olaf…

Uncle Monty: (Turns around, only to show a man with bright red, curly hair, who's wearing a pink tank-top, lime green skinny jeans, purple mascara, and Twilight wristbands) Count Olaf? You mean that uber nasty pedophile former guardian of yours? Ewwww, no! In case you haven't noticed, girlfriend, I actually _wax_ my eyebrows.

Klaus: Oh. You're gay…

Violet: (Elbows Klaus in the ribs)

Klaus: :(

Violet: What Klaus means is that you just…well…you have a great sense of fashion!

Uncle Monty: (Flops wrist in the air for no apparent reason) I know, right? My dear old mum always did tell me that I should break into the fashion industry. But did I listen to her? No way, chicka! Instead, I broke into the night club business!

Klaus: You mean herpetology, right?

Uncle Monty: (Nervous laughter) Um…yeah.

Sunny: Fwoot…(Fruit loop…)

Violet: Sunny! You shouldn't say such a thing to our dear…um…excuse me, but what exactly is your name?

Uncle Monty: (Flashes a card out of nowhere, sticking it in Violet's face, while holding a ridiculous pose)

Violet: (Reads the card) Dr. Montgomery Montgomery, owner of The Reptile Room, the most famous secret night club in all of Scotland.

Klaus: Hey, if it's so secret, how is it famous?

Uncle Monty: Oh! You weren't supposed to read that last bit! (Snatches the card away from Violet, scribbles all over it with a sharpie, and then hands it back to the Baudelaires)

Violet: (Reads the card once again) Dr. Montgomery Montgomery, owner of The Reptile Room, (Here _the most famous secret night club in all of Scotland _has been scratched out) the most famous reptilian exhibit on display in all of Scotland.

Klaus: (Inquisitive expression) You know, I'm getting the vague impression that you're hiding something here…

Violet: (Facepalm)

Uncle Monty: Now, to keep up my little charade, I'm going to show you my greatest herpetological discovery EVER!!!

(The Baudelaires follow Uncle Monty over to a large cage, which contains a giant, rainbow snake)

Violet: Uncle Monty, what is that?

Klaus: A _snake_, Violet.

Violet: (Mumbles under breath)

Uncle Monty: It's The Incredibly Homosexual Viper With Straight Tendencies.

Klaus: Ooh…

Violet: Um…what exactly does it do?

Uncle Monty: Well, its species is known for singing Prince songs, saying, "What's up girlfriend?" every other sentence, and staring at its reflection for hours at a time.

Violet: I don't understand. If The Incredibly Homosexual Viper With Straight Tendencies is so…homosexual, why does its name contain the words _straight tendencies_?

Uncle Monty: Maybe because it's currently looking up your dress.

Violet: DX

(The Baudelaires are in the living room with Uncle Monty, who's singing karaoke with Klaus)

Uncle Monty:

_Girls just wanna have fu-un!!!_

Klaus:

_WOOOOOOO-OOOOHHHH-OOOAAAAAAAAAA!!!_

Violet: (Sighs) Even _Paramore _is better than _this_…

Sunny: Aaaaookipodu. (Hell, listening to Count Olaf singing _Bye, Bye, Bye _in the shower is better than this.)

Uncle Monty: Say, do you guys want to come with me to Peru?

Violet: Peru?

Klaus: It's a _country_, Violet.

Violet: (Snarls at Klaus)

Uncle Monty: Well, I was just thinking, you know, with the new Backstreet Boys concert being held in Peru, that we could go there and learn some wicked sexy new dance moves.

Violet: Are you going to use those moves at your nightclub?

Klaus: Wait, you have a _nightclub_?!

Uncle Monty: (Nervous laughter) No, silly! I was going to…um…teach the moves to my reptiles. Yeah.

Violet: Sure you are.

Klaus: Oh, we'd love to come! (Starts screeching _I Want it That Way_ at the top of his lungs)

Uncle Monty: (Sighs dreamily) Oh, you children make me feel seventeen again. (Gasps) OMG! I totally just got that movie!

Klaus: The new one with Zac Effron?!

Uncle Monty: You know it, girlfriend!

Klaus: (Squeals) Put it in, put it in!

Violet: You have _got _to be kidding me.

Lemony Snicket: And after two grueling hours of overacting, angsty high school emotions, and cheesy teenage romance, the Baudelaires went to their room. Although in the last parody they _despised _having to share a room, they actually requested to sleep together, as their own personal spite toward Count Olaf. The Baudelaires each thought their own loving thoughts about their dear Uncle Monty right before drifting off into sleep.

Sunny: Ooffiii-ooffiii…(I wonder how Uncle Monty tastes…)

Violet: (Thinking) I can't believe that douche bag made me watch that piece of shit movie! I'll show him! I'm going to put laxatives in his coffee tomorrow…

Klaus: (Thinking) I wonder if Uncle Monty will make sweet love to me tomorrow night? What? He's not my _real _uncle, so technically it can't really be considered incest.

Uncle Monty: (Also thinking) Oh, I really do hope Klaus will allow me to make sweet love to him tomorrow night. I mean, seeing as how he's really not my nephew, there technically can be no stopping me. Of course, the only thing that could possibly stop me from rocking his twelve-year-old world would be if someone were to mysteriously pop laxatives into my morning coffee, but really, when does that honestly ever happen in real life?

(Morning)

Klaus: (Standing outside the bathroom door, from where Uncle Monty can be heard sobbing) Violet, he's been in there all day!

Violet: (Sadistic grin) I know.

Klaus: Uncle Monty, are you going to be out of there anytime soon? Say, sometime by…tonight? (Hopeful expression)

Uncle Monty: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

Violet: I think that's mean to be taken as a "no" Klaus.

Klaus: (Pouts)

(The next day)

Uncle Monty: (Unable to sit down, so just stands there, giving orders to the Baudelaires for the day) Alright, children, my night club bouncer is going to be here while I'm gone, so just let him in when he gets here. His name is Stephano. (Leaves, waddling all the way)

Klaus: You know, Violet, I'm starting to think that he really doesn't have a reptile exhibit.

Violet: (Pats Klaus' head) Mother always did say you were rather special.

(Doorbell rings)

Klaus: Wow, that was fast. That was what, three seconds?

(The Baudelaires answer the door)

Stephano: (Clearly Count Olaf dressed up as Mario, complete with a giant mushroom and a slightly askew thick, curly, black mustache) Ciao! My name-a is-a Stephano…a. I-a am-a Itaniano! (Thumbs up)

Klaus: Borat!!!

Violet: (Slaps Klaus) No, you moron! It's Count Olaf!

Stephano: Cosa? I-a am-a Stephano-a! Who-a is-a dis handsome Count Olaf-a you speak-a of-a?

Violet: Your accent isn't fooling anyone.

Sunny: Fodopoi. (Yeah, you're about as Italian as Julia Roberts is Irish.)

Klaus: (Snaps)

Stephano: (Snarls) Don't compare me to that anorexic whore!

Sunny: AHA!

Stephano: Um…what exactly did the monkey say? Normally the Director has subtitles put up.

Violet: (Rolls eyes)

Klaus: Well, you just blew your cover!

Violet: Yeah! Now we're going to tell Uncle Monty!

Stephano: Cosa? What-a cover-a? I-a am-a not-a Count Olaf-a. My name-a is-a Stephano-a! (Thumbs up)

Klaus: You sure this guy isn't Borat, Violet?

Violet: (Pulls her own hair out in frustration)

Uncle Monty: (Walks in the door just in time to see Violet's meltdown.) Sweetheart, you're killing your roots.

Stephano: I-a know-a, right…a?

Uncle Monty: Oh, you must be the new bouncer! (Suddenly is aware of what he just said) I…uh…mean, you must be the new reptile assistant the…HLAU…sent me…yeah.

Klaus: HLAU?

Uncle Monty: Um…yeah. The Herpetologists…Lovers…um…Associates, uh…United.

Violet: (Raises her eyebrow) The Herpetologists Lovers Associates United?

Uncle Monty: Yeah. It's where we herpetologists come to…um…uh…

Stephano: Love reptiles.

Uncle Monty: Yeah! Wait…did you just lose your accent?

Stephano: Um…no…a.

Uncle Monty: (Shrugs)

Violet: (Smacks head into the wall multiple times)

Uncle Monty: Easy on the face, Violet! Honey, you're going to ruin your complexion. (Turns to Stephano) Honestly, I don't know about that one. Is it bad that the boy spends more time in front of the mirror than the girl does?

Klaus: It takes time to look perfect. (Swishes hair)

Stephano: (Stares at Klaus in bewilderment) Seriously, dude, grow a pair.

Uncle Monty: Um…there goes your accent again.

Stephano: Um…a.

Uncle Monty: (Shrugs)

Violet: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Runs upstairs)

Stephano: Ooh…nice to know where her bedroom is…(Notices everyone is staring at him)…a.

Uncle Monty: (Shrugs)

Klaus: You're awesome, Borat.

(Baudelaires' bedroom)

Klaus: Violet, do you think Borat will tell me all about the magical realm of Kazakhstan at dinner tonight?

Violet: For the last time, Klaus, he is NOT Borat! He's just Count Olaf wearing some cheap-ass Mario costume.

(Dinner)

Klaus: Oh, Borat, tell me about Italy! What's it like?

Stephano: Well-a, da peasants are-a not-a very nice-a, da foods-a suck-a, and-a no-a Pamela Andersons are-a anywhere-a in-a sight-a.

Klaus: (Shudders)

Violet: ENOUGH! Uncle Monty, I have something very important to tell you!

Uncle Monty: You're a lesbian?

Stephano: Don't tell me you have a penis…a.

Sunny: iDdodododpoqu? (Please don't tell me the iPod wire you lodged into my brain is going to give me cancer?)

Klaus: You unsuccessfully try to lick your pubic hair late at night when you think no one's watching?

Violet: (Shifty eyes)

Everyone: DX

Stephano: Oh, dis house-a is-a gonna be-a very entertaining…a.

Violet: No, none of those things are what I'm going to tell you. Especially _yours_, Klaus.

Klaus: Whatever, I _saw_ you!

Violet: _ANYWAY_…Uncle Monty, Stephano is really-

Klaus: From Kazakhstan. The whole Italy thing is a sham. We all know it's you, Borat.

Violet: Shut up, Klaus! No, Stephano is really-

Stephano: (Desperate) Uh…um…GAY…a.

Everyone: ?!

Stephano: Dis is-a correct-a. I-a am-a not-a straight-a. I-a really like-a da men…a.

Klaus: Borat, I had no idea you were on _our _side!

Violet: Wait. Klaus, you're _gay_?

Sunny: Lolo. (So, I guess the whole singing _It's Raining Men _in the shower thing didn't really get through to her, then.)

Uncle Monty: First, my bouncer turns out to be on the brighter side of life, and now my non-nephew is coming out?! Oh dear God, I am in heaven!!!

Violet: No! He's really-

Stephano: So-a, Violet-a, did-a dat Count Olaf-a try-a to-a violate-a you…a?

Violet: W-What?

Stephano: I-a would-a hate-a for-a such-a pretty little girl-a to-a be-a shattered-a by-a traumatizing-a memories of-a an-a old-a man-a licking-a peanut-a butter-a off-a her-a bellybutton-a.

Violet: Are you threatening me with licking peanut butter off of my bellybutton?

Stephano: What-a does it-a sound-a like-a to-a you…a?

Violet: (Sits down and shuts up, unsuccessfully trying to repress disturbing images from entering her mind)

(The Reptile Room)

(Uncle Monty is over talking to Stephano about Peru, the Backstreet Boys, and how much he wants to get in Klaus' pants)

Klaus: Oh, Violet! I just can't wait to go to Peru and see the Backstreet Boys perform! Violet, do you think Uncle Monty wants to get in my pants?

Violet: Can we seriously not talk about your incest-filled fantasies about our flamboyant Scottish guardian?

Klaus: It's not like we have anything better to do.

Violet: Uh, hello?! I'm writing a note to Uncle Monty in order to tell him about Count Olaf. Look, I'm almost finished writing it. (Holds up a small snake, on which she's written, "Uncle Monty, this is Violet. I just wanted to tell you that-") Now I just have to finish it.

Klaus: I can finish it for you.

Violet: I don't see why-

Klaus: LET ME FINISH IT!!!

Violet: (Throws the snake at Klaus) All right, all right!

(Uncle Monty and Stephano)

Uncle Monty: I just really want to get in his pants, you know?

Stephano: (Facepalm)

(Suddenly, Klaus chucks the snake at Uncle Monty's head, then ducks down behind a cage, spying on them)

Uncle Monty: Ow! What the hell?! (Picks up the snake and reads the message written on it) "Uncle Monty, this is Violet. I just wanted to tell you that Klaus longs for you to be in his pants. As soon as possible. As in now."

Klaus: (Stands back up) Pssss!!! Uncle Monty! Uncle Montyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!

Uncle Monty: Klaus! Is this true?! (Hopeful, longing expression)

Klaus: Hellz to the yeahz!

Uncle Monty: Excuse me, Stephano, but I have to go…um…iron my…pancakes.

Klaus: Yeah, Violet, I have to go...um…take a hot…steamy…bedsheets…

Violet: What?

Stephano: Come-a again-a?

(Suddenly, Uncle Monty and Klaus run upstairs, ogling each other on the way. A door slams shut, and loud, obscene noises can be heard)

Violet: OH. DEAR. GOD.

Stephano: Um…a.

Violet: (Turns to Stephano) Wanna go get some coffee and talk about how much my life sucks?

Stephano: (Shrugs)

Lemony Snicket: And time passed on in this fashion for quite some time. Uncle Monty would put the WHORE in Klaus' teenage hormones, Sunny would consider letting The Incredibly Homosexual Viper With Straight Tendencies to get to second base with her, and Violet continued to be the only Baudelaire orphan even remotely concerned with exposing Count Olaf for the Mario imposter that he was.

Violet: I swear, I am the only one of us even _remotely_ concerned with exposing Count Olaf for the Mario imposter that he is!

Lemony Snicket: …

Klaus: Count Olaf? When did he get here?! We'd better go tell Uncle Monty and Borat right now!

Violet: Klaus, I know deep down that you know you're being a moron.

Klaus: :(

Violet: Now, you do remember that Uncle Monty is taking us to see _Zombies in the Snow _today, right?

Klaus: Yeah, but we're just going to be making out there.

Violet: No, Klaus, there will be no incest-riddled sexy time for you. Count Olaf won't be there with us, so this will be our only chance to tell Uncle Monty that Stephano is an imposter.

Klaus: (Cheesy grin) Wow, Violet, you sure are smart!

Violet: I feel for you, Klaus. I really do.

Lemony Snicket: Of course, fate intervened. Not only did Count Olaf accompany the Baudelaires and Uncle Monty to the movie, but he also hogged all the popcorn.

Sunny: (Slowly reaches for some popcorn)

Stephano: (Slaps her hand away)

Sunny: :(

Lemony: However, as dismal as their situation appeared to be, the Baudelaires still had one last trick up their sleeves…

Violet: (Sneaks into the kitchen when Stephano isn't looking, and dumps a whole package of laxatives into his morning coffee, then hurries out)

Uncle Monty: (Walks into the kitchen) Stephano, is my coffee ready?

Stephano: (Points to the laxative-infested mug on the counter) It-a sure-a is-a.

Uncle Monty: (Drinks coffee) Ah! That sure hits the- (Doubles over) AHHHHHHHH!!! DEAR GOD! NOT AGAIN!!! (Sprints to the bathroom)

Violet: DX

Narrator: Four hours later…

Uncle Monty: (Exits the bathroom) WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!

Violet: (Peers into the kitchen, only to see that Stephano is watching The Jerry Springer Show)

Stephano: Oh-a I-a know-a, girlfriend-a, Rashonda did-a NOT-a just-a steal-a dat bitch's man-a!

Violet: (Turns to Uncle Monty) Uncle Monty, Stephano is an imposter.

Uncle Monty: Oh, I know.

Violet: Wait. You do?

Uncle Monty: Just last night I asked him if he wanted to listen to my new Christina Aguilere CD, and he had the audacity to say _no_!

Violet: What's so bad about that?

Uncle Monty: Everyone knows only straight men can say no to Christina Aguilere.

Violet: All right, can we stop with the gay stereotypes? They're not even funny anymore.

Director: Shut up and do as you're told, Violet.

Violet: (Sigh) Uncle Monty, Stephano is-

Uncle Monty: Not coming to Peru with us.

Violet: Really? Why not?

Uncle Monty: I already gave his ticket to a friend of mine.

Violet: Friend?

Uncle Monty: Oh, just a little spring fling. His name is Rodriguez, my sexy, leather-clad pool boy.

Violet: What are you planning on telling Klaus?

Uncle Monty: Oh, he's the one who asked me to invite him. The three of us are going to have some hot alone time when we hit the hotel in Peru.

Violet: DX

(Suddenly, a stunt lamp (A.K.A.: A stuffed animal) can be seen falling through the air at top speeds. It then hits Uncle Monty on the head, causing him to fall on the floor. He then gets up, holding a lamp)

Violet: What is that?

Klaus: A _lamp_, Violet.

Violet: I KNOW IT'S A LAMP, KLAUS!!!

Uncle Monty: Awwww…Klaus, this is the Paris Hilton lamp I gave to you for Hanukah. See? (Pulls string)

Lamp: That's hot.

Klaus: But that was up in my room!

Uncle Monty: Well, go put it away. You really should take more care of your belongings, especially gifts. Now I'm contemplating whether or not to get you that Hannah Montana alarm clock for your birthday.

Klaus: LE GASP!

Violet: You know how much that means to him!

(Upstairs)

Klaus: (In tears, mascara running down his face) Violet, you know I would _never_ throw my Paris Hilton lamp at someone! It might break!

Violet: I know, Klaus. I also know three other things: One, you really _do _need to grow a pair; two, I know for a fact that Uncle Monty wants to get in your pants far too much to not get you that Hannah Montana alarm clock; and three, Count Olaf is the one who threw your lamp at Uncle Monty.

Count Olaf: (Jumps out from behind a random table in the middle of the hallway) Bravo, Violet. How clever of you. However, NOT CLEVER ENOUGH!!!

Violet: Count Olaf, we all know you're an imposter. Uncle Monty even gave your ticket to his sexy, leather-clad pool boy, Rodriguez.

Klaus: Wait. Why do we have a random table in the middle of the hallway?

Count Olaf: Oh, I don't think Rodriguez will be able to make it to Peru…

Klaus: WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR SEXY, LEATHER-CLAD POOL BOY???!!!

Count Olaf: Oh, let's just say that he's swimming with the fishes…

Violet: LE GASP!

Klaus: YOU SENT HIM SNORKLING _WITHOUT ME_?!

(Night Club)

Uncle Monty: Now, children, what I'm about to show you may just be the most secret-

Violet: Uncle Monty, we all know you have a nightclub.

Klaus: Why did no one tell me this?!

Violet: (Facepalm)

Uncle Monty: I now give you, The Reptile Room, after hours…(Pulls a lever, and the wall slides away, showing a huge, flashy, multicolored rave going on in The Reptile Room. Several sexy, rainbow leather-clad pool boys are dancing around the costumers, who all have various, glowing reptiles draped across their shoulders)

Klaus: Ooh…shiny…

Violet: So, you make millions of dollars hosting a nightclub called The Reptile Room in your house, yet spend more than half of that money to hide it from the world?

Uncle Monty: Pretty much.

Violet: Why?

Uncle Monty: It wouldn't be the most exclusive nightclub in all of Scotland if it wasn't a secret now, would it?

Klaus: Once again, if it's so secretive, how the hell do all of these people know how to find it?!

Uncle Monty: Well, they're equally exclusive and secretive. Come, let me show you.

(Uncle Monty and the Baudelaires walk up to a man dancing his ass off)

Violet: Johnny Depp?

Klaus: (Drools)

Johnny Depp: Hey, Monty. Whoa, when did you get kids?

Uncle Monty: Their former guardian was a pedophile.

Violet: Excuse me…Mr. Depp…but what exactly are you doing here?

Johnny: No, no! I'm on the D-Low here, kid. My name is Frutoile Barshkartigan. Got that?

Violet: Um…sure. Well…Frutoile…what are you doing here?

Klaus: _Dancing_, Violet.

Violet: (Smacks Klaus)

Johnny Depp: I mostly come here to escape from Tim Burton.

Helena Bonham Carter: Frutoile! Did you say the code word?!

Johnny Depp: No, Nafladya! I was only telling Monty's new kids why we hide out here.

Helena Bonham Carter: Oh! What a relief! For a minute there I'd thought he'd found us again.

Violet: Again?

Johnny Depp: We have been dancing a dance of death with Tim Burton, love. Every time he directs a movie, he fancies us in the title roles.

Helena Bonham Carter: When he directed Sweeney Todd, the man paid us in Candy land cash, for the love of God!

Tim Burton: (Runs up to them, wearing far-too tight and revealing skinny jeans, and a My Chemical Romance jacket that's too short to cover all of his arms) Johnny! Helena! OMG! I've been looking for you guys _EVERYWHERE_! Hey, I just thought up a new movie idea! How about _Vivid Gothica_? It's about a pale yet uber sexy manic depressed ruler (That's you, Johnny) of a demented and totally twisted alternate dimension called Gothica, where nothing is ever happy or bright. And then, all of a sudden, WHAMMO! This lovely, pretty, sweet, wonderful, bright girl (That's you, Helena) accidentally falls into Gothica, where she slowly but surely warms the dark ruler's frozen heart, bringing sunshine and color into Gothica forever! Oh, and it's also a MUSICAL!!!

Johnny Depp: -Twitch, twitch, gurgle, gurgle- (Head implodes)

Helena Bonham Carter: Johnny!!!

Tim Burton: Don't worry, Helena! I stole several of his urine samples from one of his physicals, so we'll be able to clone him, and he'll be right as rain!

Helena Bonham Carter: (Pulls hair until head implodes)

Klaus: See, Violet, that's what happens when you pull on your roots too much.

Violet: Are they going to be ok?

Uncle Monty: Don't worry, this happens every week.

(Baudelaires' bedroom)

Violet: (Reading a bedtime story to Sunny and Klaus) And then the three miserable orphans left their murdered, closet gay uncle to find a new home, hopefully one where they could be loved just as much by a guardian who hopefully wasn't a psychotically paranoid widow. The end.

Klaus: Hey, Violet, what's foreshadowing mean?

Sunny: (Facepalm)

Stephano: (Slams the door open) We-a going-a to-a Peru…a!

Violet: _We _are. _You_ aren't.

Stephano: What-a coincidence-a! Your-a uncle-a said-a I-a could-a go-a!

Klaus: Uncle Monty told me he gave your ticket to Lopez, our _other_ sexy, leather-clad pool boy.

Stephano: Well-a, Monty-a said-a he-a couldn't-a go…a.

Klaus: No way, Hosea! Uncle Monty wouldn't miss the Backstreet Boys for the world!

Stephano: Fine-a! Don't-a believe-a me…a? Just-a go-a and-a ask-a him…a!

Violet: Fine! We will!

Klaus: Violet, can you bring the third book in that miserable orphans series? I want to know what happens when they meet the paranoid widow.

Sunny: Acjjnjducn. (Did Mother drop him on his head when he was little?)

Violet: Yes, Sunny, she did. Multiple times.

(The Reptile Room)

Miley Cyrus: (Wearing her top inside out, and a lamp shade on her head, and is walking around in her underwear) Whoa!!! Great party…(Hiccups)

Violet: I always knew she'd grow up to be a pathetic, unloved whore.

Klaus: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OH GOD!!!! NO!!!

Violet: Klaus! What is it?!

Klaus: (Sobbing, lime green mascara streaming from his eyes, making him bear a striking resemblance to Chris Crocker) UNCLE MONTY!!!!!!!!

Violet: Wha-OH GOD!

Uncle Monty: (Dead)

Sunny: Fdjdjvmjm? (Ok, why am I the only one who's not bothered by this? His snake tried to feel me up!)

Violet: (Cradling Klaus) It's going to be ok! It's going to be ok!

Klaus: (Twitching in sheer agony)

Stephano: Now-a do-a you-a believe-a me…a?

Klaus: YOU KILLED MY LOVER!!! (Knees Stephano in the groin)

Stephano: AYE CARUMBA!!!

Sunny: Shndufudu. (Wrong country, moron.)

Stephano: Well, before he died, your dear Uncle Monty wished for me to accompany you three to Peru, should anything…disastrous, happen to him.

Uncle Monty: Your accent is slipping again…

Klaus: UNCLE MONTY!!! (Runs over to Uncle Monty and leeches onto him)

Stephano: Shut up, you're supposed to be dead, remember?

Uncle Monty: Oh. Right. (Slumps onto the ground)

Klaus: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Violet: Well, if we didn't have an accurate reason to call the police before, we sure do now!

Count Olaf: Oh, really? Here I was, just minding my own business, and that's when I found your dear Uncle Monty lying in his own pool of blood.

Klaus: What pool of blood?

Count Olaf: Uh…I cleaned it up.

Violet: That's tampering with the evidence!

Count Olaf: Fine, then! _YOU_ cleaned it up.

Sunny: Haggro! (Girl, I _**KNOW**_ you are _**NOT**_ going there!!!)

Violet: Sunny, quit with the ghetto talk. Count Olaf, we're not letting you take us to Peru!

Count Olaf: Oh, but you are.

Violet: Oh, but we're not.

Count Olaf: Oh, but I think you most certainly are.

Violet: Oh, I think you'll find we are most certainly not.

Count: Oh, but I do think you'll change your minds.

Violet: Oh, but I think we won't change our minds.

Klaus: Oh, but I think this is all confusing Klaus.

Count Olaf: Oh, but I think this isn't confusing-NEVERMIND! WE'RE GOING TO PERU, AND THAT'S FINAL!

Klaus: Will there be candy?

Count Olaf: Excuse me?

Klaus: Well, you can't expect three, adorable, innocent little children to get into a car with an unusually pedophile-like old geezer without first being offered candy now, can you?

Count Olaf: Hmmm…the sexually confused one has a point.

Violet: That he does.

Sunny: Gooble. (Well, for what it's worth, I like Goobers.)

Klaus: So you have to buy candy for us first.

Violet: Every creepy pedophile knows that.

Count Olaf: Well then, I suppose it's a good thing that I always keep an emergency stash of movie theatre candy in my trunk then, isn't it?

Violet: Um…why exactly _do _you keep candy in your trunk?

Count Olaf: (Licks lips)

Violet: DX

(Living room)

Count Olaf: (Dragging the orphans out the door)

Sunny: ISHICAYGO!!! (NOOOO!!! I NEED THE INCREDIBLY HOMOSEXUAL VIPER WITH STRAIGHT TENDENCIES!!! I LOVE HIM!!!)

Violet: CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE TEARING THEM APART?!

Count Olaf: Wait…who exactly are we talking about?

Klaus: The Incredibly Homosexual Viper with Straight Tendencies.

Violet: Sunny is in love with him.

Count Olaf: First of all (Turns to Sunny), little monkey child, that is bestiality, which is just…gross. Second, why is his name so long? Can't we just give him a nickname, like Bob? Or how about Harry? I like Harry. Third, if it's so homosexual, why the whole "straight tendencies" thing?

Violet: (Points to Sunny, who's making out with The Incredibly Homosexual Viper with Straight Tendencies)

Count Olaf: EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! IT'S LIKE HE'S EATING HER FACE!

(Count Olaf's car)

Klaus: Shotgun!

Violet: Bull! I'm the oldest!

Count Olaf: Actually, _I'm_ the oldest, but-

Violet: Yes, but you're also the only one here who can legally drive a car.

Klaus: I'm sitting in the front.

Violet: No, you're not!

Klaus: Why do _you _always get to sit in the front?!

Violet: Because I'm the oldest!

Count Olaf: Listen, we _do_ have a boat to catch…

Sunny: Finkidikl?! (How come _I_ never get considered for the front?!)

Violet: You don't even have five teeth, Sunny!

Sunny: Pdoko? (Oh, and I suppose that makes me less deserving of the front seat than someone such as yourself, then? God, Violet, no need to be prejudiced toward toothless people!)

Klaus: Yeah, you're using a stereotype against Sunny to worm yourself into the front seat, aren't you?!

Violet: Listen, bookworm-

Klaus: BOOKWORM?! URRRRRRRGGGGG!!! (Tackles Violet)

Violet: GET OFF OF ME!!!

(Klaus does not get off)

Violet: HELP ME!!!

(No one comes to help)

Violet: RAPE!!!

(A few people open up their curtains to watch)

Violet: INCEST!!!

(The entire neighborhood comes to watch)

Random Widow: Ooh…I've never seen _siblings_ do this before…

Milkman: Believe me, honey, in my line of work, you see the strangest things. This one time, while taking milk to this very same house, I looked in the window and saw that girl "wrestling" with her brother ogling that Italian man, while her brother was making eyes at their guardian. The next day, I saw the baby making out with a snake.

Random Widow: Kids today…

Mr. Poe: (Drives up to the lawn) I heard the alluring call of incest; sorry it took me so long! Where's all the action? (Sees the Baudelaires) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Violet, Klaus! What the hell are you two doing?!

Violet: (Fake innocent voice) But we're only wrestling, Mr. Poe…

Klaus: Yeah, Stephano taught us how to wrestle with each other!

Mr. Poe: Stephano? Who's Stephano?

Count Olaf: (Stops throwing money at Violet and Klaus) I-a am-a Stephano…a!

Mr. Poe: Where's Dr. Montgomery?

Stephano: Dead…a.

Mr. Poe: Oh…how inconvenient.

Klaus: Inconvenient? Inconvenient?! MY LOVER WAS JUST MURDERED, AND ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS THAT IT'S INCONVENIENT?!

Mr. Poe: Dr. Montgomery was _murdered_?! Preposterous!

Violet: Oh, the murder bit you latch onto just fine, but the incest part? No, we're just going to ignore that.

Klaus: I'M THE BLACK SHEEP IN THE FAMILY!!! :(

Violet: Well, I believe our work here is done. (Pushes Klaus off of her and gets up)

Count Olaf: Why, you little bitch! You planned this entire incest-fest all out, didn't you?

Violet: (Rolls eyes) No, I really do want my twelve-year-old brother to violate me in front of our entire neighborhood. (Walks inside)

Klaus: Listen, Violet, I know you want this and all…but it'll never work.

Count Olaf: She was being sarcastic, you dumbass.

Klaus: Oh, thank God! (Follows after Violet)

Mr. Poe: Now, what's all this about murder?

Stephano: They think their uncle was murdered.

Mr. Poe: And so they decided to vent out their anger at the world by having unprotected, incest-riddled sex?

Count Olaf: (Shrugs) Wouldn't be the first time.

Mr. Poe: W-What?

(Living room)

Violet: That was a downright _awful_ performance! Sunny, you overacted! I mean really, "prejudiced toward toothless people"? Get real! And Klaus, next time, when the plan is to go for a sibling-on-sibling moment, try not to avoid contact with my body. I felt like you were afraid to _touch_ me, for God's sake. You needed to be so much more convincing than _that_!

Klaus: (Bawling his eyes out) YOU PEOPLE EXPECT TOO MUCH FROM ME!!!

Violet: (Slaps Klaus) Well, thanks to you, Mr. Poe probably didn't even believe us!

Mr. Poe: (Barges into the room and starts squeezing Violet and Klaus into giant hugs) Oh, it's going to be all right!

Sunny: Hormie. (No, go ahead, just ignore me. I surely don't need a hug too.)

Mr. Poe: Now, Violet, Klaus, I understand that you two are upset, but that doesn't mean you have to express your emotions by having sex with each other!

Violet: BUT I LOVE HIM!

(Silence)

Violet: (Nudges Klaus sharply in the ribs)

Klaus: Oh, right. Yeah. Right back at you.

Violet: Besides, Stephano said we shouldn't lie to ourselves, and that if we loved each other, we should have hot, wild sex!

Klaus: (Glances at Violet) Apparently that's how you solve all of your problems around here…

Violet: Excuse me? What was that?

Klaus: Oh, nothing…

Violet: No, really, what did you mean by that?

Klaus: Oh, nothing…just that I know what's in your closet, that's all…

Violet: (Covers mouth in horror) You wouldn't…

Klaus: Oh, wouldn't I? Oh, Count Olaf!!!!!!!!!!!!

Violet: (Runs upstairs in terror)

Mr. Poe: Wait, Count Olaf? When did _he _get here? And what's wrong with Violet?

Klaus: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all…

(Baudelaires' bedroom)

Violet: (Rummaging through her closet, tearing down various pictures and drawings of Count Olaf. Finally, she stops at a rather grotesque photograph of Count Olaf wearing a hot pink speedo) Oh, my most prized possession…how can I bear to part with you? (Stuffs the picture in her bra)

(Living room)

Count Olaf: You-a rang…a?

Klaus: Borat! I feel like I haven't seen you in forever!

Count Olaf: You just called me Count Olaf earlier today!

Klaus: Count Olaf!

Count Olaf: (Raises eyebrow) You-a are-a annoying-a.

Klaus: Borat, you're back! I thought I'd never see you again!

Count Olaf: So…you actually buy my accent? :/

Klaus: Count Olaf, we both know you don't have an accent, nor do you have the acting abilities it takes to produce an even remotely believable one.

Count Olaf: Screw-a off-a, jack-a ass-a. (Storms off)

Klaus: Borat, come back!!!

Violet: (Comes back into the living room)

Klaus: So, you clean up that little mess in your closet?

Violet: Fuck off, Klaus. Now, Mr. Poe, we have reason to believe that Stephano is really Count Olaf in disguise, and that he murdered our Uncle Monty.

Mr. Poe: Well now, how did you come to this accusation?

Klaus: Well, he did come into the living room when I called for Count Olaf, so…

Mr. Poe: Well, maybe he was just coming in to…um…vacuum.

Violet: Is that really the best you could think of?

Mr. Poe: Pretty much, yeah.

Klaus: So, wait a minute…Borat was really Count Olaf the entire time?!

Violet: (Sigh) Yes, Klaus.

Klaus: I feel like such a fool!

Violet: (Rolls eyes)

Mr. Poe: Now children, this whole "everyone is secretly a man with a unibrow in disguise" thing is getting rather old.

Klaus: What are you talking about? This is only the second time he's ever been in our lives.

Mr. Poe: Well…um…uh…DON'T BACKSASS ME!!!

Klaus: …

Violet: Whatever! Mr. Poe, you have to believe us! Stephano is really-

Count Olaf: Not-a gay…a.

Mr. Poe: Well…ok, then.

Klaus: What?! Borat, you're not gay?!

Violet: (Slaps Klaus) Count Olaf, we know it's you. There's no use trying to deny it.

Count Olaf: Ok, then. Yeah, I'm Count Olaf.

Violet: What?!

Count Olaf: What?! Ok, you get pissed when I don't own up to who I am, but you also get pissed when I do reveal my identity? Seriously, kid, you need to figure out what you really want from life.

Violet: (Seductive smirk) Oh, but I _do_ know what I want…(Sexily walks over to Count Olaf, and starts making out with his unibrow)

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Count Olaf: (Snaps out of daydream when he hears Violet's voice)

Violet: I _do_ know what I want in life! What I want is for Klaus to stop smearing that tacky lime green eyeliner all over his face, some creepy old guy to leave me alone, and for our director to stop paying us in Candyland cash.

Director: Hey, wait a minute! I _do __**NOT**_ pay you in Candyland cash!

Count Olaf: Yeah, how can you, when Candyland doesn't even have any cash to begin with?

Director: You stay out of this, or I'll tear that unibrow right off!

Count Olaf: DX

Director: Well, seeing as how Mr. Eyebrow over here just ruined this entire parody by blowing his cover too early on, I guess that's a wrap, everyone.

Violet: Well, I wouldn't really say he ruined it.

Klaus: Yeah, this parody has been pretty enjoyable. Well, for me, at least.

Director: That's only because you got to lose your virginity to some hyperactive gay man.

Klaus: (Dreamy sigh)

Violet: And I…well, I got to clean out my closet!

Count Olaf: Why? What was in it?

Violet: (Nervous laughter)

Sunny: Fonobopee! (And I got to make sweet, sweet love to a reptilian sex god.)

Violet: Sunny!

Sunny: Hidgodm? (What can I say? I'm totally hot for the ones with the scales.)

Klaus: Kids today, losing their virginity to reptiles. That's _bestiality_, Sunny.

Sunny: Gonodopho. (Oh, you're one to talk, Klaus.)

Violet: Um, guys? Where's Count Olaf?

Mr. Poe: Well, it does appear that he slipped out of the house unnoticed while you three discussed your sex lives. And by the way, Violet and Klaus, I'm taking you to a therapist, so that you can learn how to sort our your sexual aggression in ways not involving incest.

Violet: Mr. Poe!

Klaus: It was a lie, I tell you! LIES!!!!!!!!!!!! I WOULD NEVER MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN!!!!

Violet: See? He's too much of a queen to tap me!

Mr. Poe: Well, I do see what you mean.

Violet: So we don't have to go to a therapist?

Mr. Poe: Are you kidding?! You both have extreme denial issues, Violet's too afraid to reveal what's in her closet, and Klaus can't decide if he wants to engage in homosexuality or incest. You can only have one, you know. Now, it's time to leave. I have to find a new guardian for you three unlucky children.

Violet: Wait. Aren't you going to call the police and tell them that there's a dead body in this house and a murderer on the loose?!

Mr. Poe: Oh, I'm sure they can manage. Besides, we have to get this parody over with so that Velvet Liquor can work on some new Sweeney Todd chapters.

Violet: Well, if she would just focus on one parody at a time, maybe these things wouldn't happen.

Velvet Liquor: Violet, shut up. I'm not paying you in lemon drops for nothing.

Violet: You never even paid us in lemon drops to begin with!

Velvet Liquor: That's it! You know what, Violet? Just for that comment, I'ma make your next guardian a lesbian!

Violet: DX

Klaus: Are you kidding me?! I'm going to have to share a house with _three_ women?!

Mr. Poe: And _I'm_ going to have to put up with your insufferable nagging for the entire car ride there?!

Sunny: Sdugndjdh?! (And _I'm_ going to have to say goodbye to my beloved reptilian sex god?!)

Aunt Josephine: And _I'm_ going to have to open my front door to let you three in?! But a speck of dust could wander in, land in my throat, and cause my allergies to flare up! I COULD SUFFOCATE, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

Velvet Liquor: Hey, Aunt Jo, get out of here! I don't want anyone foreshadowing, for crying out loud!

Count Olaf: And _I'm _going to have to dress like a sailor, kidnap Violet, take her upon my alluring pirate ship, and make sweet, sweet love to her?

Violet: Ew! God, no!

Velvet Liquor: Hold up, Violet. I think he may be onto something here. Count Olaf, I'll hold up your end of the bargain, if you'll also play Esme in a double role in the future parodies. Have we got a deal?

Count Olaf: Can the movie cover for the next parody look like something out of one of those shitty romance novels? You know, where they have Fabio groping some sexy maiden?

Velvet Liquor: Why not?

Count Olaf: Hell yes, we have a deal! I GET TO LOOK LIKE FABIO!!! IT'S MY DREAM COME TRUE!!! (Runs off stage, screaming and giggling like a mad man)

Violet: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Velvet Liquor: You'll get over it. Besides, your pain is well worth our audience getting to see Count Olaf dressed like a glamour woman in Versace fur coats.

Violet: SCREW YOU, VELVET LIQUOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Velvet Liquor: My god, is she _always_ like this?

Klaus: You have _no_ idea.

(Suddenly, Count Olaf runs back on camera, sporting a Fabio wig)

Count Olaf: Hey, Violet, do you want me _with_, or _without_, the wig? (Seductive eyebrow wiggle)

Violet: (Convulsive twitching upon the ground)

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

**Velvet Liquor here! **

**God, I have not worked on this thing in what seems like ages!**

**Please R&R, as I worked my ass off on this one. Plus, I had so much fun with it, which is more than I can say for a lot of my other parodies.**

**So, the next issue of this parody will be _The Wide Window_. I hope to get that one up within the next few weeks.**

**So, will Aunt Josephine _really_ parallel the psychotic, paranoid widow in the series that the Baudelaires are currently reading?**

**So just how _did_ Uncle Monty die?**

**And will Count Olaf _really_ rape Violet while wearing a Fabio wig?**

**All these questions and more will be answered in the next chapter of _A Series of Random and Ridiculous Occurrences_!**


End file.
